Gender Equality or Swedish Unfriendliness?

Over a hundred angry comments on her column “Am I Sexist?” makes Mo Kudeki wonder if her experiences were really just about gender equality.

While I was excited about the massive response to my last column, “Am I Sexist?” I realize much of it was simply a negative reaction to the “f-word”.  Being a feminist means I support gender equality, not that I kill men in my spare time.

As to the overwhelming response from guys saying I was a bitch, and a “typical feminist” who thinks guys are wrong no matter what they do – thanks for helping show sexism is alive and well.

I was also quite disappointed that there weren’t more female responses.  Significant male response (and plenty of trolling) was to be expected, but I urge more women to share their own experiences with gender, chivalry, and cultural dissonance.

However, there were some interesting points made about Swedish culture, that I would like to respond to now.

Boxes and Swedish Unfriendliness: One of the most interesting recurring themes among the commentary was that I may be over-attributing my experiences to gender equality – several people pointed out that Swedes tend to be typically less friendly to strangers than people in the US, and perhaps this was why no one helped me with the box.

It’s true – people here rarely interact with strangers directly.

For example, in Swedish grocery stores, people don’t say “excuse me” very often when they need to squeeze past someone.  Instead, they silently contort their bodies in order to avoid bumping into the other person while moving past.  This initially struck me as bizarre (and entertaining to watch), since Americans tend to throw around “excuse me” and “sorry” quite generously (even when there is no danger of collision), and then just barrel our way through – contorting your body for a stranger is not the American way.

Buying Drinks: For further investigation, I’ve talked to several of my Swedish guy friends about buying drinks.  They have emphatically affirmed that they would NEVER buy a drink for a girl.  These are not unfriendly or non-flirtatious guys, so what gives?  A common response (besides “Why the hell would I buy a girl a drink?”) is that they dislike the sense of obligation is created, that one person now “owes” the other something just because they paid for a drink.

Wait… so Swedish guys don’t want to trade a beer for a phone number?!

I think this changes the social dynamics at a bar/club.  People here tend to float around freely, meet lots of different people, disappear, reappear, etc. much more than in America.  It hadn’t occurred to me before that perhaps this freedom is due in part to the fact that no one is “stuck” standing with the person who bought them a drink.  The total autonomy is nice – definitely worth the responsibility of buying your own drinks.

While still I think gender dynamics were key in the experiences described in my last column, another factor was that what is considered polite in Sweden doesn’t always match the norms in my home country.

I do hope, however, that one thing is universal: when you see someone struggling with a box… help them!